Can an abusive man change?
by Joni Lund on 10/30/14
Yes.
Only if he sees that his actions/beliefs are in error, wrong, or shouldn't be treating people that way. (It is guaranteed he will keep hurting you, because he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong and has no interest in changing his behavior, no matter how much it upsets or hurts you.) Get it" you" are not valued here, nor anything to do with you. It is strickly a matter of HIM, HIS, HE. HE CAN, HE WILL, HE DOES, HE WANTS/NEEDS/DESIRES/DESERVES. It is a power thing, control things, inflix hurt thing, shame thing so put it on you, a corruptsion of his mind/values/patterns; now your in it. A heart (spirit issue which only God can convict/touch. Self centered to the core.) But it takes help for ALL family member from many different departments to heal. Women don't hold your breath. You change now, formulate a safe leaving plan. With life steps and help chart to follow once you have left.
THIS IS THE HARDED THING IN THE WORLD TO FIX. The very heart of a man's being. (Could be also termed " Hard-hearted"(unmoving/unbending/unyielding). You can not change it, so don't try (Your message won't be recieved either.) You can make expectations known and clear, and why and what you expect. Then he or you must leave if time frame not met and no change is observed. But keep yourself in a good mind and spiritual place. Both of you are going to need alot of HELP from everyone whether you stay together or not. AND IT WILL NOT BE easy for ANYONE. Like 2 years to start improvement, and a lifetime to change type of thing. Do not become violent, negative, or abusive bad - go get help first. And for God's sake forgive yourself if you are weak and find yourself doing negative things somehow.
The abuse is a protection/weapon of sometype. There is a lot of undealt with issues here. Both learned and developed intentionally.
Percentange of men willing to change and grow if they believe they are "entitled" to do, be, have, say, get, not do, SADLY 1%.
These angery and controling men, hid this until they possessed you. Usually via marriage. So don't expect an over night flip of behavior switch to be genuine. Remember the instant changes after honeymoon?
Can a women make them change? NO
So don't fool yourself.
They will only change if their hearts are convicted, and if they feel they are loosing more then they can bare to loose. Which is rare. Most entitled men don't value others period, so they feel they should have more or are above others. (Deep down they don't value themselves.)
Families don't count on their converstion or their help. Take care of yourselves, as they won't. May never, and definiately don't want to give you anything, deserved, proper, or normal family stucture or not. Be kind, be self-sufficient, and protect your future. Do not count on them! Stay objective. The family of the abusive man needs to get counseling, and a support network to heal and survive the trama and devestation the abuse male is capable of. Believe me they are very capable destroyers. VERY.
I recommend Leslie Vernick and anyone she recommends.
Some very helpful books on this subject.
The Good guy, The bad guy, & the Ugly truth by Justin Nutt
Explains how each will react. Even give tips for good guys on who to relate to women whom has been at the mercy of angry and abusive men.
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angery and Contolling Men. By Lundy Bancroft This man works with abusive men. This book was a walking blue print of my husband's comments, speech patterns, and action towards me.
I would personally do as this man advices. I seen the value of his teachings first hand.
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, By Leslie Vernick How to Find Your Voice & Reclaim Your Hope, Moving Towards Healing, Deciding Whether to Stay ot Go, Breaking Free from Damagin Patterns. (Note: minium amount of counseling an abusive man needs is 411 sessions with an expericienced abusive man counselor. With out contact with wife for the most part. Note religious counseling usually give the abusive man more weapons against his spouse. Then family will need relationship counseling also, and classes on communication and family structure, then finally a faith based counseling system. Experienced this 1st hand also. Ladies be prepared for your spouse to turn on you like a dog with rabies and to keep attacking you, so that you are the problem and so he won't have to deal with his shit, heal, or change, FEEL THE PAIN he has been surpressing in varies evil ways his whole life. Undo the corruption to his own mind and spirit. Or to admitt wrong, failure, or to ask, need, or seek help of others. Not a strong male point even in mentally healthy males.) Be prepared for HELL whether help is sought or not.
Note: women can be abusive too. It is far easier for a women to be reabilated then men. As women are usually followers, nuturers, and givers.
The Verbally Abusive Man, Can he Change? A woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans
My husband decided to committ stalking, harrassment, vandalism, terrorizing threats until my spirit broke down and I stopped resisting him. However, those actions put him in a situation of continuely breaking the law. (no contact, and protection order. Finally the law used my own protection order against me. Where as, if I accepted any contact, even saying hello on the phone they would slap me with jail verses my husband whom was continuing to stalk, and setting me up by trying to work situations where I'd accept contact from him in some form. There by he'd report me/ even though he was the one working the situation so that I would evenually respond back out of love, fear, frustration, or just to stop his constant picking on me. Finally towards the end rudely responding back. For if blocked calls it didn't work, he'd text, or show up in person, or steal something valuable to me. Or run the sudden I Love You crap. Interfere at work, with pets, friends, and family. Until he felt my whole base of life was in his control or my base people abandoned me. Or get my compliance anyway he could.
That left me with my FAITH in the promises of GOD only. Which gave me more strengh, and long haul will and hope then my spouse had. And finally after nearly a year, it became apparant I was a puppet on my husband's strings, to most involved including law enforcement. Whom began to try to help the abuse cycle end, if even just for the peace for them. As it was daily police reports, no supper, long nights, little sleep, stressed out and getting nothing positive done in any manner!
Keep in mind how they break down prisioners of war & with brain washing: little to no food, no peace, little to no comfort-hard conditions, #1 isolation. Then the controler provides rewards, comfort, and food. Staples of daily life. Peace and or partnership.
If you find yourself in a slavery, isolated, miserable situaton, YOU MUST SEEK HELP. That help will help you rashionalize, be objective, give you options, give you support of some type. Go to professional organizations. Take a regular person, whom will be of comfort to you, with you while you put your life back to gather. Women for women, Men for men.
Remember ladies, there is a bad apple (liar) in every barrel; it doesn't make apples bad, but it can rot the whole barrel (picture) anyway.
Men with ADHD find it far harder to tolerate emotional relationship stresses than women with ADHD. Both have it harder then their counterparts without ADHD or ADD type things.
